Through Her Eyes

01:11 pm - On the way to work (1)

There's an old man in the back of the bus with a bright blue shirt, oversized jacket, a hat, and age appropriate tiny spectacles. He's reading the paper. I look again and notice that he's wearing headphones that go behind his head. This contradiction makes it extremely possible in my mind that he's listening to gangster rap. I smile to myself.

Current Mood: peaceful

01:08 pm - Thinking Like A Writer...

It's been a while since I've written in this. I always seem to go through times where I write a lot, and some where posts are scarce. I wanted to write to say that recently I've noticed that I think like a "writer." My thoughts seem to form in my brain like openings to stories or something. Maybe I'm hallucinating, but maybe I'm not...So when I have a thought that I find interesting, I'm going to post it...we'll see if anything comes of it.

Current Mood: contemplative

11:42 pm - Wow it's been forever since I've written here.

Update: I'm sleepy. Got a final tomorrow. Roommates didn't go to sleep last night till 9 am this morning. Worked today. Kinda getting sick. I miss my Brandon...wondering y i'm getting in trouble (sort of) for spending time with him when other people are getting away with worse shit. My grandpa died. Why do people think that's easy to get over...people ask me "what's wrong?" like...hello...

anyway. not to complain or anything.

I'm kinda too sleepy to be annoyed...i'm just...sleepy.

I love the Brandon so much. I can't wait till we live together. *sigh* It's gonna be great.

Until later...

07:12 pm - moving out and moving on

Hi all!

I'm moving to Berkeley on Saturday. And then I'll start my new beginning. This new, independent life that I've been waiting for, for so long. But I will carry with me everything that I'm leaving behind. And I'll keeping contact with all of you who wish to.

I only have a week left. Less, actually...and as the days count down, I realize that I'm not getting much closure with some people. I hope they know who they are. It hurts to know that things will never be the same with them...I hope they even care that I'm going. I assume they do, but with the lack of communication, who knows. I want them to know that I'm still here if they need me.

I'm spending this week with my Brandon. When I'm not babysitting, I'm with the love of my life. It's gonna be hard being away from him, but I'm not too worried because he's going to be visiting me often. Or I'll be visiting him. Either way, we'll be as close and in love as ever.

I made a collage of all of my friends. It's set as the desktop picture on my laptop. That way, I'll see them even when I don't. It may be dorky, but I think it's a good way to take them with me.

I'm still buying supplies for my dorm room. Feel free to help me out with that. Anything you think I'd need or would like, you may buy for me. I don't mind. *smiles*

I just saw Pegusus Theatre's "The Late, Great Me" at the Fox. It's really good, and worth watching. I wish I could've been in Rocky Horror at Paperwing this year, but college is taking me from that. I will, however continue to support them in every way possible. And I'll be in the audience as much as possible.

I'm not sure what else there is to say. If I think of anything else, I'll add it later.

Fin.

--Steph

Current Mood: anxious

08:12 pm - CYBER PET!

I have a cyber pet!! It's a hedgehog...or a porcupine...not sure...I named her Pokey! ...





The end

x-posted to _are_u_a_dork

01:44 pm - Updates on life

Um...where do I begin...

I graduated June 15th as Alisal's Valedictorian. I've been in the newspaper a bunch for it. It's cool I guess...I think people care about it more than I do...But it's okay...they give me presents...oh...My grad speech was good. I liked it.

I'm currently dating again. If you didn't know already: his name's Brandon, he graduated from Alisal too, and he's awesome.

I got a new kitty, Charlie. He's currently in the "I'm going to attack you" stage, but he's super cute...See?

I'm sharing a puppy with Brandon. My friend Natasha rescued it. To tell the story further.

Me and Brandon have a puppy.

We named her BURKLEE (like Cal, but spelled differently for originality)

She lives at Brandon's house.

But I visit her EVERY day.

THE END

10:08 pm - I'm single...(yeah, you read that right)

Would you have thunk it? Probably not. So, I'm taking this time to explain.

James is a great guy. He's so close to me, and I want to continue to stay friends. But...I needed to move on. Without going into a lot of personal details, I felt that we both needed time apart to grow. I hope...I PRAY...that he'll forgive me...for everything I've done, and for all the things I haven't.

Is there someone else that I have in mind? Yes. Are me and this other person going to be together? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Does that make me look bad? Probably. But, once again, I needed to move on. I needed to see who else was out there for me. I couldn't pledge my life to someone while my mind--my heart--was wondering what if.

And so, conflicted, confused, and crying; I made my decision. God help me.

02:54 pm - Easter

James came to see me yesterday. It was Easter, and our 1 year anniversary...'Twas wicked cool. He made me get out of bed in the morning, cuz he came so damn early...Like 8:45...but... It was awesome. He saw me in my "I just woke up" look. And he still said I was gorgeous...He's so awesome.

We walked to McDonald's and then hung out at my house for a few hours, just being together and watching TV...

Around 1:30 ish, we went to my aunt's house. He met most of my big ass family, hid eggs for the little kids with me, ate mucho comida, and was my partner in the egg toss...We got 3rd place! But then the egg rolled on the cement and got a bit cracked. We threw it again anyway..I got egg on me...It was fun.

Then we went to the movies and saw Scary Movie 4. It was pretty good.

And then me, him, my sister, Natasha, and Polina went bowling. That was cool too. James was like "I'm a horrible bowler" and he was the best out of all of us...lol...He's good at like...everything.

He stayed till around 11:30 pm and then he made his long hour and a half journey back to Hayward.

I miss him...but it was super cool!

I'm happy again.

--Steph

Current Mood: ecstatic

10:53 am - I'm back...did u know I was gon?e?

Hi all!

I got back from Riverside on Sunday. I had a vundeba time being President. It was like...everyone cared what I thought. I was important, and respected...Totally cool

I did speeches and sang the National Anthem in front of the 2000 or so people that were there. I met Mr. Tim Lawrence...National Executive Director of SkillsUSA...He was really down to earth for being such a VIP. I was the tour guide for some Toyotal Racing Development people. One of them made me a balloon animal.

..well there are so many stories to tell. (I got hit on by like 10 different groups of guys...Half of them invited me to the pool...or to "kick it" lol....It was a little weird.)

Anywho, I was gone for a week, so if you all didn't realize I was gone you're a bit stupid.

That's all for now!

--Me

Addendum (April 12th):

Here are pics of my travels.

FIN.

Current Mood: tired

02:51 pm - Finally

James came to see me today...I met his dad...he's cool...We went to Cannery Row...It was fun...We ate at Bubba Gump and then I got my face painted, because I'm cool like that...

Then we played pool at the Blue Fin...I'm not all that good at pool, but that's okay...'Twas wonderful to see my love...

Since he has a car now, he may just come see me again next week *crosses fingers*

That's all I have to say about that...*smiles*

--Me

Current Mood: content

02:37 pm - Still Alive...unfortunately

Well, I'm still here...More depressed than ever. I've been sleeping a lot, so I don't have to think. Then I have nightmares, so I don't think that works all to well. But it's better than being awake in this world.

I've been crying a lot too. It seems that no matter what I do, I'm never good enough for some people...and for others, I'm too good...How I wish for millions of sincere hugs that will not come.

I realized that if I say one thing that someone doesn't like, they can repeat it a million times until I seem like the devil. Which of course, means that I have no chance in giving my side of the story.

This is what happened. I told someone the following statement "It's responsibility, honey, learn it." Sarcastic? Yes. Condescending? No idea. Offensive? Apparently. But...the statement was completely merited. I had a right to say it, and it was completely true. It's not my fault the person didn't want to hear it. The person replied that I had no respect for him/her. Yet then he/she (yes, this person is being kept secret) began to mock me "Oh you're so perfect. neeneeenee...Oh I have to to band practice. I have so many things to do, I'm so stressed out. No one cares...blah blah blah..Life's so hard..."...it was in this stupid patronizing fake high pitched psychotic voice. He/She kept calling me a bitch...and kept mocking...I told this person that I wasn't the one without respect.

The next day, the situation comes up again. But of course, my side of the story isn't heard. He/She adds in ALL the nice things they've EVER done for me, as if it's this huge list that happened a few minutes ago...and repeats the phrase I told him/her over and over...I appologize just so it will stop...but it doesn't...And so, I'm the bad guy...*long pause*...I try giving my side, but I'm silenced by the never ending reasons why I'm not good enough...Why I'm a bad person...Why I'm not THANKFUL...*pauses again* I cried again...and went to sleep really early just to escape my reality...*shakes head*

I swear I'm not trying to be this person who always fishes for compliments or "it'll be okays," but without anyone to talk to, I don't have much of a choice but to write. And yes, this is only part of my problems. I'm not trying to be this shattered person...It just seems to work out that way.

When going through a "to be or not to be," someone told me that "whatever's happening will pass." To me, things just get worse because they add up.

I just...I want to go home. *smiles* Which is funny, because I'm at my house right now.*sighs* I need to find somewhere where I can be myself, uncensored...where I can finally feel good enough...Where I don't have to be punished, hurt, put down for my every fault.

To quote myself...(I'm helping to write lyrics to a song for the band I'm in...)

This is my rage
This is the window that I've broken
Fade me or fade away
This is my shadow
This is my shelter
This is my masquerade

Of course, it sounds so much better sung.

I've got to find something/somewhere better than this.

I don't know what else to say.

Current Mood: crushed

07:45 am - Lawyer???? NO

So...I won BEST OVERALL PROSECUTION ATTORNEY in Mock Trial. I didn't even practice that, I practiced defense...lol...I guess I'm that good. I'm still trying to figure out how my team keeps losing though. I've won Best Defense Attorney last year, and Prosecution this year. It's like "you're the BEST attorney in the competition but your team can't win because your Alisal." *shakes head* It's so stupid. We have to work 3 times as hard to be even close to getting credit for it.

Oh well, my school will beat all the stupid rich/charter/snobby/stupid schools next year...even though I'll be gone. I'm so proud of them...and of myself. (BRENDA, I LOVE YOU...you were a huge assett to the team, even though you never presented...I owe everything I've received this year to you)

But will I be a lawyer? No...Every year, people see me and try ton convince me...Sorry all, I wasn't in mock trial to learn litigation...It was a big improv exercise for me. :) My lawyers are going to try to get me to go to law school, but I'll think about it after I get my theatre degree... Well, that's about all I have to say. I love you all.

--Steph

09:25 pm - Wow...It's been a long time

Wow...I've been so busy I've been neglecting my lj...oh no!!!

Well, today I finished the first semester of my last year of high school...I wonder how my grades will turn out. I'm also starting to think about how life's going to be next year when I'm off to college. The new faces, the distance from all that I've known...Part of me is anxious and ready...The other, worried that I'm not as capable as I pretend to be. I wonder...

Current Mood: eh

09:35 pm - The Smile after the Tears

So...James was supposed to come down to see me today, but he couldn't because his ride was suddenly unable to take him. So, after crying myself to sleep last night and waking up with tears in my eyes, I decided to tell my mama. So...I did. I also asked her to help me out....and within a half an hour, we were planning our trip to Hayward. Because my mom is awesome.

I had an amazing time. We went to the movie theatre in Union City...There theatre is so much bigger than ours...James and I watched (well, semi-watched) "Fun with Dick and Jane"...My mom and sister saw "Rumor Has It"...James and I went to In-N-Out afterward. Our first official dinner together ...We ate and made fun of white people and talked about how great things will be when we're closer together...It was super cool.

Then, it was time to leave...Which was sad...But overall, I'm so much happier now...

I've not a whole lot left to say.

--Me

P.S. Oh yeah, he gave me my Christmas gift...a diamond/heart necklace...It's GORGEOUS...I love him so much

Current Mood: content

09:29 pm

Here are my three latest poems...I like Miss Naive. Please give feedback...Thanks!

Miss Naive
Naive sits in darkness
In the middle of the floor
Wondering why she's feeling
She's faltered once before

This isn't the child's playground
But she hasn't any choice
This is her silent punishment
She's overused her voice

As they all go out to play
To hurt themselves again
Naive sits in silent screams
Wishing for the end

You can see the desperation
Behind Miss Naive's eyes
To somehow feed her hunger,
This loneliness inside

Bleed
Having no faith in my mind's eye
Even though you always protest
I cannot seem to find the strength in myself
To no longer be self-concious

If you'd only listen to the shadows
If you'd only hear the unsaid
Maybe for a second you'd see through my eyes
And know why I wish for death

After I go, they'll see the light
Wondering "Why didn't I see?"
I'm letting you know, now, here are the signs
This is the moment I scream

Having no faith inside of my soul
No matter what I achieve
This is my darkest hour, my love
This is the day that I bleed

Untitled
The moment she realized she wasn't invincible
Was the day that she started to die
Because the only thing keeping her going
Was thinking she'd be just fine

Tears fell from her eyes as it started to rain
She slipped and she fell to the floor
Finally she screamed her heart outloud
Just then, the thunder roared

She's scratching and clawing for her dear life
Unable to get up from her death
Her voice and her mind is suddenly fading
Stifled within this mess

The second she realized she wasn't a god
Was the time she was condemned
Ignorance is bliss, but she's no longer
And now she's no life to live

07:20 pm - Well, I knew that...

You fit in with: Spiritualism Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms. 60% spiritual. 40% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

04:42 pm - IAP

Well, I got the news today...I'm officially top five for for the Incentive Awards Program Scholarship at UC Berkeley...I have a 20% chance of 32 thousand (I'm not sure if it's a year or for all four...I'm pretty sure it's a year)...I'm so ecstatic it's not even funny...Hmmm...I haven't told my parents yet...But I know exactly what they'll say..."Oh...that's good." Grrrrr...Oh well...I'm happy...

I guess this gives my classmates another reason to talk about me...I've been having trouble with that lately...They don't like my top of my class/dorky/geeky/thespian-ness...

But yeah...Just wanted to tell everyone about the scholarship...*big smile*...now I must go...I've got my show tonight...ROCKY HORROR, that is...So far, it's been wonderful...We close on Halloween...But yeah...That's all for now I think...

X-Posted (_are_you_a_dork and my lj: starstepher)

Current Mood: ecstatic

09:41 pm - Finally...after one month and 22 days!

My boyfriend's fucking amazing!!! He surprised me today with a visit! He...like...just showed up at my door!!! It was fucking amazing. James, his brother Mikey, his friend Paul, and Paul's girlfriend Katie all came down to see me in Rocky Horror. I didn't get a whole lot of time with him, since most of my time was taken up with the show, but I'm thrilled just the same. *big smile* I love him...so much!

*smiles* Yay! I feel loved and wanted and special and beautiful and HAPPY and SAFE again. It's the best feeling in the world, I swear.

*smiles again*

Stephanie Alyson

P.S. I can't wait until we can see each other more often...*sigh* To be THIS HAPPY all the time...Wow...*smiles*

P.P.S. I can't stop smiling!!!!

Current Mood: giddy

10:56 pm - BACK!

I'm back from SkillsUSA California State Officer Training. I was there since Thursday. It was fun; I enjoyed it...A lot of work...and I mean a LOT...but I'm learning so much...and everyone's awesome. So yeah...Word...(see casusa.org for details about SkillsUSA, or just ask...)

I start school Wednesday...I NEED SCHOOL SUPPLIES!!!!

But yeah...Until later,

♥ Steph

Current Mood: sleepy

09:48 pm - I haven't updated in a while, so...

I just wanted to say that last Tuesday, James and his family came down to see me again. It was awesome!!!!!! I didn't get the chance to take any pictures, but I have a lot of pictures in my head (*big smile*)...So yeah, that's about all I have to say...

Until Later,

Star

Current Mood: okay